


Where's Doctor McCoy?

by pherryt



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor: Chapel, Minor: Spock, Minor: Sulu, Mutual Hurt/Comfort, The Crew Knows, but i envisioned Pine and Urban when writing this, obvlivious, this can be original series or AOS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-22 15:06:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15584595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pherryt/pseuds/pherryt
Summary: Doctor McCoy keeps disappearing after difficult shifts and Jim starts to worry...





	Where's Doctor McCoy?

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by one of the things i read off [this tumblr post](http://outside-the-government.tumblr.com/post/176644622838/ahsokai-leonard-mccoy-with-a-rough-voice-but)
> 
> Not Beta'd, I hope you like it. I was planning to take a break after doing GISH all week but then this story latched on and wouldn't let go.

Jim couldn’t find Bones.

Now, it wasn’t the first time the doctor had gone missing aboard the Enterprise, but the ship was only so big, the space only so finite, so _where_ could Leonard _be?_

The away mission they’d been on only several hours before had ended in disaster. Jim had needed to call for an emergency beam out within moments of arriving.

The kind of emergency that had led to directly beaming into Sickbay.

Bones had taken charge, like he always did. Striding forward surely and confidently, snapping out orders quickly and efficiently. It was moments like these that Jim saw Leonard in his element and was simply in awe of the man he called friend.

The sickbay ran like a well-oiled machine. Bones had everything well in hand and Jim… well, Jim had some bones to pick with the local government about their welcoming committee.

When he finally had a free moment and the situation was resolved – for now – Jim sought out his best friend and confidant. Naturally, he’d gone to sickbay first, and upon arriving went straight away to check on Ensign Chekov and the Security Guard, Hendorff.  He found the two of them easily enough, Chekov looking bright and chipper and ready to get out of there, while Hendorff slept quietly on his bio bed with Nurse Chapel hovering nearby.

But signs of Bones? There’d been none.

Jim, of course, checked up on his men, made sure to find out how they were and to keep their morale up, make sure they knew he didn’t blame them for what happened. Hendorff had woken at his approach, his instincts too trained not to, despite his injuries and he’d taken in his captains’ words with a stoic face but grateful eyes.

Hendorff had grudgingly accepted Jim as captain years before, but there was still a bit of the old animosity between them – for old times sake, rather than anything substantial. It was a habit too ingrained now to be anything else, but now it was a joke between them, one that Jim encouraged. He wanted the crew to like him, to trust him, to be willing to follow his every order – but willing to call him out if those orders were ill informed.

Like Pike had allowed Jim, all those years before.

None of them would be here now if Pike hadn’t listened to a stowaway.

Jim finished chatting with Chekov and Hendorff, got the latest update from Nurse Chapel and then asked the question that was burning his mind,

“Chapel, have you seen Bones anywhere?”

“Not since 0900,” she said, not looking up. “He relieved himself of duty as soon as he made sure Chekov and Hendorff were all settled in, took his surgical scrubs off and left.”

Jim gave her a nod and left Sickbay, the door sliding shut with a quiet little his behind him.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

It was a pattern, Jim began to notice, after nearly every away mission. Or no, that was wrong. It was only after every mission that ended in the use of Sickbay, whether the crew had left the Enterprise or not.

To test that hypothesis, he’d begun to make a habit of checking in with the doctor even if the away missions had gone well. Bones had been there, his normal, sarcastic, unflappable self, as he tapped away at his pad, or checked in on an experiment, ready with a quip as soon as Jim opened his mouth.

Ready to berate himself for not noticing such a crucial pattern as this, Jim finally figured he hadn’t noticed at first because sometimes, when things went wrong, they went _so_ wrong, he didn’t have time to get down to Sickbay. He was too busy trying to smooth whatever had happened over, or evading enemy fire, to be concerned with Sickbay.

Not that he wasn’t still concerned, but as captain, he couldn’t _allow_ himself to be concerned.

With every hit to the Enterprise, he always desperately hoped no one had gotten hurt – though he knew that to be unrealistic – and even more desperately hoped that nothing had reached Sickbay, that Bones was safe.  But with incoming fire, Jim couldn’t allow himself to dwell. He had to remember that Sickbay was one of the safest places on the ship to be.

He couldn’t let himself worry about Leonard. What was one man in comparison to over 400? As Captain, all lives counted equally, but as Jim…

Jim knew what Leonard was to him but he could not, in all good conscience, let it sway his decisions or interfere with his work, no matter how great his feelings for Leonard - and whether or not those was reciprocated (which they were not).

After a while, even though he hated them, though they gnawed at him something fierce, even though Leonard somehow evaded every question before Jim could even ask, Jim became used to these absences of Leonard’s. Leonard was always fine whenever he reemerged from wherever it was he’d secreted himself, but it didn’t keep Jim from worrying about him.

“I’m sure if there was something wrong, the good doctor would tell you. I have noticed he is not one to keep his emotions in check,” Spock said once, in an effort to reassure his captain.

Jim appreciated the sentiment, but he wasn’t all too certain it was correct.

Bones was, yes, emotional. Especially when arguing with a certain Vulcan (and perhaps also with a certain blonde-haired captain, but Jim wasn’t thinking about that), but Jim thought the emotion he showed in those times was a cover for what he was _really_ feeling.

It grew, this feeling in Jim that something was wrong with Bones, after every engagement, every failed away mission, any time that something went wrong and they needed Dr. McCoy’s expertise. It grew stronger, Jim becoming more and more convinced that Leonard was _not_ okay, with every disappearance, even though there was nothing he could put his finger on for evidence.

Which talking over with Spock had more than effectively pointed out.

Spock had, perhaps, in as Vulcan a way as possible, called Jim out for being a love-sick worrywart, without once having said any of those words.

It was a skill at words that Jim thought was, perhaps, unmatched by any save Uhura.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

And then Jim finally discovered that his fears had been right after all.

It had been a particularly disturbing engagement that had lasted quite longer than it should have, injuring many and requiring many repairs. There wasn’t much Jim could do in Sickbay to help, when he was finally able to safely step away from the bridge, so he’d embroiled himself in helping with repairs where he could.

And when he grew too mind fogged for that, he’d taken to walking the ship with no care for where he put his foot other than to stay out of the way.

He was dirty and exhausted but he was way too keyed up to go to sleep, or to even stay still. So he walked, his thoughts churning around in his mind. The usual things after such an event: Was there something else he could have done to prevent this? Grief and anger over those who died under his command, worry about those who’d been injured.

Walking blindly, he nodded absently at any crew that managed to catch his attention, but was too preoccupied with his thoughts to engage.

It was then that he finally found where Leonard had been hiding, and Jim marveled that he’d never thought to check here before.

Or he would have, if he wasn’t more worried about the state he’d found Leonard in.

Secluded in a corner of the Hydroponic Garden, half hidden behind a great deal of plants that Jim was sure only Sulu knew the names of, was Bones. He sat on the ground, his back against a young tree, slumped over with his head in his hands. His body shook – _fuck, was Leonard crying?_ \- and Leonard hadn’t heard Jim’s gasp of surprise, or his approach.

It was only when Jim landed on his knees besides Leonard in his rush to get to his best friends’ side, a cry of “Bones,” on his lips, that Leonard’s head jerked up.

His eyes were red and puffy and wet and Jim stared in horror at the proof before him that yes, Leonard _had_ been crying.

“Bones?” he asked more quietly, reaching out to grasp Leonard’s shoulder. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

“Goddamnit, Jim,” Bones groused, pulling away from the touch and rubbing angrily at his eyes, “Can’t a body get some privacy around here?”

“Well, I might have been hoping to find you, ‘cause I worry,” Jim admitted slowly, “but I wasn’t _actively_ looking for you, y’know. I found you completely by accident. But dammit Bones, you can’t expect me to walk away now!”

Leonard blew out a shaky breath as he glared with narrow eyes at Jim, but the effect was rather ruined by the fact that tears still rolled down his already tear stained face, and when Jim glanced down at a small movement that caught his eyes, he saw Leonards’ hands were shaking.

 _Leonards’ hands_ \- the steadiest hands in the entire _fleet_ \- were _shaking._

Jim reached out again, to gently cover Leonards’ hands where they clutched at his wrinkled pants. “Bones, let me help,” Jim said softly. “What’s wrong? You know you can tell me _anything.”_

“Which is exactly why I didn’t,” Leonard growled, but at least this time, he didn’t pull away and Jim counted that as a win, or at least a step forward.

“What? Now that doesn’t even make any sense…” Jim said, blinking.

“Jim, you’re the captain, and everyone unburdens on you. I’m not going to be one more. I’m not going to be the straw that broke the camel’s back,” Leonard gritted out.

“Bones—” Jim started, then he shook his head, leaning a little closer, “ _Leonard_ , out of everyone on this ship that I _want_ to unburden to me, you’re number one.”

“No, Number One is Spock,” Leonard muttered with a ghost of his humor.

Jim huffed a small laugh. “Not for this, he ain’t. Look, I trust Spock with my ship, my crew and my life, absolutely, but he isn’t you. No one could replace you to me, ever. And I _want_ to be there for you when you’re hurting, just as much as I’m there when you’re celebrating and everything else in between.”

Leonard stared at Jim with wide eyes, and Jim bit his lip, watching, waiting to see what Leonard would do. He’d all but said those three words that would forever change things between them, for better or for worse, and the anxious pit in his stomach tried to crawl up his throat.

But whatever came of it, he _needed_ Bones to know that he wasn’t alone in whatever he was going through.

There was a long silence where Leonard only stared. It made Jim’s insides twist but he swallowed and summoned up a smile before he spoke again, “Now, what’s wrong? What’s got you playing peekaboo with a bunch of plants?”

There was a startled, wet laugh as Leonard rolled his eyes. “You’re unbelievable, kid,” he said, the words light but choking.

“Yeah, but you love me,” Jim quipped lightly, trying to keep his pounding heart under control – _too close to the truth!_

Leonard huffed. “Everybody loves you, Jim. Except maybe Cupcake.”

“Hey, now, Cupcake and I are on speaking terms…” Jim protested. He took the risk of the somewhat lighter atmosphere to move slightly, shifting so he could sit, pressed tight against Leonard, his back against the same tree. “Now, tell me what’s wrong. Cause we ain’t leaving here till either you do, or you convince me you’re fine.”

Leaning his head back against the trunk and avoiding Jim’s eyes, Leonard sighed. “I just needed some space, Jim. After way too goddamn long in surgery, repairing people I shared a meal with just yesterday, losing a few of them because there was just… just too much damage that even modern medicine can’t help…”

“Bones…”

“I’ll be fine, Jim. I just… needed to let it out. I’m sure you understand how it gets, when sometimes it’s just too much to bear.” Leonards’ voice was low, weary and it made Jim’s heart ache.

“Yeah, I know,” he said softly. “But you don’t have to be alone. We could…” Jim swallowed, “We could be there for each other.”

“I like to think we already are,” Leonard said so softly, Jim almost didn’t hear it.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

It became a new part of their routine, after that. One or the other of them retreating to the hydroponics lab, the other finding them there when things had finally calmed down.

One time, Jim sat staring out at the plants from their tree, a black and blue shape spied from the corner of his eye as it moved closer to him, sitting down with a weary sigh. They sat shoulder to shoulder in a companionable silence for a few moments.

“Y’know, I think I’ve figured it out,” Jim said slowly.

“Hmmm… what’s that?” Leonard asked.

“Why you come here. It’s… soothing and alive…” Jim trailed off. “It’s… it’s warm. And sometimes, after the things that happen, after what we see… the people we’ve lost… It’s good to remind ourselves…”

“Yeah…” Leonard agreed.

Jim settled back, leaning further into Leonard, glad that they had the kind of friendship that made voicing everything unnecessary.

And if Leonard reached down to thread his fingers through Jim’s hand where it had fallen against his thigh, Jim totally didn’t hide a smile.

Another time, Jim found Leonard once more crying - silently, of course, just like the first time Jim had found him like this. Like, how even alone with only the plants – and eventually Jim - to hear him, Leonard hated to be so vulnerable.

This time, Jim didn’t hold back.

This time, Jim wrapped Leonard up in his arms and pulled his dark-haired head against his chest, murmuring all the while. “I’m so sorry, Bones. I’m so sorry. I tried so hard… I tried…” Jim’s voice cracked and Leonard turned in his arms to hold on to him tight too. Jim’s throat worked and they collapsed against each other, taking solace in the other’s strong and capable arms.

“It wasn’t your fault, Jim,” Leonard said after a while.

“It wasn’t yours either. He was too far gone before we could get him to you. We all knew it was a longshot. I know you did your best,” Jim’s voice was muffled against Leonards’ hair.

“Did you get the bastard?” Leonard asked gruffly.

“Yeah, I got him.” Jim’s voice was grim. “That jackass won’t hurt anybody again.”

“Good,” Leonard said with finality.

That time, they almost fall asleep there, in the comfort of each other’s arms, before one of them has the presence of mind to nudge the other up. They stand and stretch, still in each other’s space, reluctant to leave the others orbits.

By the time they leave Hydroponics, their hands have dropped and the small distance they’ve kept between them for the sake of propriety has returned. They’ve composed themselves once more, as Captain James T. Kirk and his Chief Medical Officer Leonard H. McCoy as they strode through the curving corridors to take a turbolift up to Deck 5.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

 

**Bonus scene:**

Hikaru Sulu watched his captain and the doctor disappear around the bend, having craned his neck carefully around to be able to see the entrance to the Hydroponics Lab.

He raised his communicator with a chirp. “All clear. All Hydroponics personnel are cleared to go back in.”

The first time Sulu had found the doctor hiding in the lab, he’d made certain that the doctor remained undisturbed. When the captain finally made his way there too, Sulu was not all that surprised. He’d still made sure to report it to Commander Spock, so that if there was a true emergency, _somebody_ of rank would know where to go, even though he felt like he was violating their privacy to do so.

Spock had surprised Sulu by taking in the needs of his human companions and taking it one step further.

Talking with select crew, the First Officer had continued Sulu’s endeavors in ascertaining that the duo would retain their privacy.

It was an ill guarded secret anyway.

 _Everyone_ on the crew knew where they were going off to hide by now. They might even have helped Sulu spruce it up and add more plants just to make the place homier, more inviting. The crew _also_ knew what the captain and the doctor were to each other…

They just weren’t sure if _the captain_ and _the docto_ r did.

 _For two incredibly smart men,_ Sulu mused, _they were **incredibly** dense._

**Author's Note:**

> Rebloggable Tumblr link [ Here](https://pherryt.tumblr.com/post/176682767411/wheres-doctor-mccoy-star-trek-pre-mckirk)


End file.
